I want this year to be about me, as narcissistic as that may sound I have a very valid reason for it (and although I want it to be about me but that doesn’t mean it wont involve others).
So why “me”?
The past couple of years I focused my time and my energy around others, I would plan my outings and plan my day to accommodate the people in my life, even if it meant that I had to sometimes stay up late when I am craving a spot to curl up and sleep in, or waking up early to keep up with the early birds and the sun chasers (while I, myself, prefer the night and the moon where I feel at ease under the stars).
I tip toed around others worrying that a single wrong word or action from me might fragile them, yet most didn’t hesitate to stomp down on me when it was my turn to request some comfort and peace.
Worrying about what others might think only got me black circles beneath my eyes and a tired body and soul to flatter and enhance them. Ironically as it may sound, I hesitated to blog because I was worried it might take time out of my day that I could devote to others.
Upon a series of domino like events that lead to distress, despair and gloom, I found myself being labeled a “loser” and that I should just simply go “get a life”.
Get a life? But wasn’t this, or more correctly, that (past tense) my life? I felt like I was in a fast car that came to a sudden halt and I wasn’t wearing my seat belt.
Oh, did I mention that the car was a convertible, with the top down?
After a period of recovery, shame and a few tears of sorrow and regret, I stopped. Just simply stopped thinking, stopped daydreaming and stopped bothering to explain to myself something I couldn’t even understand.
“What can I do now?” I thought to myself, all my scenarios didn’t involve this, I had my life mentally planned till the grave and suddenly the entire script was torn and shredded apart. So I stepped back, and looked at myself, who am I? what have I done all the past years? am I happy? is this what I want? can I go on like this?
Although I never experienced it, but I truly did feel like I was in a coma for the past few years of my life, the more I tried to remember the less I recalled, finally I found myself thinking about my teen years, what did I actually do or who was I back then? 13,14,15,16? Nothing, it’s just blank..
“What would the teenage me want?” I thought to myself, suddenly all I wanted to do was ride a bicycle and try different burger joints and sweet shops, as simple as it may sound, it made me feel happy, I could slowly start to see the things “I” wanted for a change.
Which brings my back to my blog, it’s part memory keeping and part experience sharing and part holding myself accountable, I created this blog with aims of sharing “my” world with everyone, be it a movie I saw or a new restaurant I liked, I am holding myself responsible for making sure I accomplish the things I want to do in order to share and be proud of sharing them with everyone.
So here’s to a year of “me”, a year of living the way I would have wanted to live at 16 but with the added bonus of a few years of experiences that some may call wisdom.