The ghost of motherhood

I can clearly remember the day I came to a full conscious decision that I don’t want to procreate or become a mother. My mother was having a full blown argument with my grandmother and I just stood there like I always did when moments like this occurred, and in the silence of my mind I could hear myself saying, “I don’t want this, I don’t want to be a mother, I don’t want to have children”.

A sense of relief overcame me as I let that silent testimony take place. I was between the age of 12-14 at that time, and for the longest time I remember not being interested in the “Baby” doll range, where most came with diapers and feeding bottles and would coo and cry, while other girls aspired to get them as gifts my skin would crawl at their sight, I hated even looking at them, the idea of a doll the “poops” freaked me out. I would find myself in the bike section of the toy shop, or crying over the latest 500+ piece jigsaw puzzle or begging my parents for an arts & crafts machine. I loved constructing my toys, carefully putting together my jigsaw puzzles as I braided my friendship bracelets.

“You will change your mind”, “Your maternal instincts would take over”, “You’re too young to make such decisions” and so on and so forth…but as the years passed my feelings grew stronger. The maternal wind never blow me over, as a matter of fact most of my post-maternal related arguments ended up with me having nightmares of monster babies ripping me from the inside or birthing deformed blood hungry beasts. I would wakeup with cold sweats and tears.

Pollution and over population plague the world yet people still continue to drain natural resources and inflect pain and suffering upon each other from chemical warfare to GMO’s and everything in-between, what’s so appealing about bringing a new life into all of this? When we have nations that suffer from -literally- overeating themselves to death to nations that can’t even find a scrap of dried bread to survive a day on. If aliens were to survey for inhabitable peaceful planets, ours would be their very last resort!

Now lets put that aside and try the half-full glass approach, what if I simply do not want to be a mother? is it so hard to grasp? Maybe I don’t want the responsibility of another human, a human which would bound me in one way or another with a partner that I may or may not get along with in the long run.
If children were somehow refundable I would consider it, but unfortunately they aren’t.

With child abuse support groups and campaigns, don’t you think that I might not be alone when it comes to the notion of not wanting kids? I just wasn’t drastic enough to give birth to one before changing my mind, not to say that I will abuse my child but how many cases are out there of children being born into poverty and suffering and catastrophic marriages and abusive parents. How many “mothers” regret becoming one due to peer or spousal pressure?

People push you to get married, push you to have kids then scold you for being a “bad parent” (which might range from simply pursuing your career and/or not beating your children up as a form of discipline). Funny enough 99% of the time those people are not even part of your inner circle or even your family yet they feel entitled and obliged to instruct you how to lead your life.

Well guess what, I’m done arguing, I’m done justifying and I’m done accommodating. My life, My body, My rules.

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The ghost of motherhood

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